Kristina

06:30 pm: i think i want to come back to lj!

03:48 pm: i had a nervous breakdown and deleted my myspace, facebook and livejournal. dont ask me why I did this because I dont know. Now I'm freaking out so hello again! I havent made a new myspace and dont know if I will, but I think reading about people's lives makes me feel better about myself and I don't feel like i have the worst life ever. and i like looking at pictures.

so i was really depressed, it was wierd.
i seem to change my style, my appearance, every day. I dont know who I want to be and what I want to wear.
some days i want to be skinny minnie and not eat. other days i dont give a shit and i see how much i can eat without puking.
jamba juice is getting way better. yesterday I had to work 8 hours, ON EASTER, and i didnt even get paid time and a half. complete bullshit. but we did hook up nachos ipod and listened to andre nickatina and made ourselves crazy wierd smoothies.
Every day, everyone that comes into jamba is with someone of the opposite sex. Everyone is always making out in the lobby. this makes me sick and makes me jealous. I guess it is just spring time, everyone is in love. well wheres my love?

Spring break:
last weekend dont remember got shitfaced in andronicos parking lot in my car with people and cried about jack and was worthless? yeah wait now i remember
sunday drove to LA with my family which really wasnt fun. Every time I hit the gas pedal my mom would scream at me to slow down and stay at 75 mph. 75 MPH!!!! right mother okay.
so we stayed in the hollywood hills at my cousins house which was great and we got chinese and drank wine as a family. my parents are becoming okay with me drinking now.

soooo okay i just realized writing everything down i did will take forever. but i just have so much to say!
okay i will sum it up.
went on cruise to ensenada, mexico, and stopped in catalina
the weather was overcast and windy the whole cruise
i met cool people who wanted to get shitfaced just like i did
and we did. every day. every night. it was just fun being in the middle of the ocean with people you dont know partying really hard and staying up until 4 in the morning and eating pizza and icecream at the 24 hour buffet.
drove to santa barbara to have a tour of sbcc, which is where i am going. i loved it, its going to be sick as hell.
so 2 days ago, im standing in my kitchen, my dad says, kristina, i happened to come across your diary and read some things that really disturbed me.

THEN HE CONTINUES AND TELLS ME EVERYTHING HE READ WHICH WAS EVERY PAGE OF MY FUCKING JOURNAL.

everything. everything. kristina, his little christain good girl daughter, was not such a good girl after all.
he tells me: you have had sex with ___ boys? you had sex on the cruise in the room right next to me? you smoke weed every night in your bathroom with your younger brother? you hate me and my alcohol problem is ruining your life and you just want to leave this family? you mess around in my home with boys when I am sitting downstairs? you drink ALCOHOL? you drive drunk?

so, my life is over. my dad tells my mom everything. my mom searches my room and finds lots of empty marijuana baggies, zigzags, condoms, birth control, pregnancy tests, 2 flasks, 2 empty handles, and 3 water bottles of gross shit that i wasnt going to drink anyways. thank god she didnt find my other marijuana stash and all of my pieces. im really really cutting down on smoking by the way, its been almost 2 weeks! besides yesterday :/
half of this stuff being my brothers, im pretty pissed that I had to cover for him.

he read every single page. at 4 in the morning, he was drunk, and he "stumbled" across my diary. WHAT THE FUCK who does this. i probably will never speak to him again.

so he tells me he read it, my heart literally stops, i walk outside, get on my bike, and leave. no where to go. i left my phone charger on my cruise and had no numbers. i dont even know my best friends number by heart. so i go downtown balling hoping to see someone. i see katlin she says theres a double kegger cp party, so im like lets go now. we go, i get drunk, there are like 200 people at this party, i see jack, my hearts melts, i cant even stand to see him. the cops come, there is a huge brawl in front of my car with like 20 people with dreads. i go home. my mom is crying saying she has failed at being a mother and basically i am a stoner slut and she feels like an idiot. i sneak out, drive back to pleasant hill, go to a smaller party at my prom dates house, jack is there and i want to cry more. i call him i go to his house, woopsie something happens and the condom breaks. i get home at 5 all of the lights in my house are on. im caught. i get 1 hour of sleep go to church and work right hours.
my parents have both apologized. i think this brought me and my mom closer. my dad, i still want to slit his throat. this entry is getting way to long. so im not in trouble, my mom gave me all my shit back. but i still feel bad for lying to them my whole life. its better that they know now.

i have to work at 6. if you work at jamba juice then you get free chipotle tonight if you go in with your shirt on. so fuckingggg im going to get some free chipotle right now.

10:00 pm:

( jeeze )

07:54 pm: today had a beautiful feel to it
you know that feeling when you have absolutely nothing to do. at times, this can drive you absolutely mad. but some days, it is like you have stepped into a completely different world. no worries, no pages to read, no grocerys to buy, no shirts to return. today was like this. I had to work the blood drive sign ups all by myself, and I was sitting at a lonely table in the rally court. obviously, not a lot of people want to offer to get their blood drawn by the ounce at school. This boy who I have seen in the halls for the past two years and had a huge crush on, but never talked to, walked up to my table today. he literally looked down at me and he is just even more beautiful up close. he spoke to me, it was cool. he is younger and this is embarassing but it is the reality of it all. I went home after lunch, ate as much as i wanted. left over chinese, no guilt today. two bowls of grape nuts, lots of tea. Taking a three hour nap at Daisies. I could not have asked for anything better. It is one of those days when you can lay around and have nothing to do, but completely appreciate it.

My dad keeps bringing up how much money it is for me to live in tropicana gardens at santa barabara next year. I am completely aware of how much it is dad. During dinner, I say to my dad in a perky cheerful voice, "Haven't you been waiting my whole life for me to go away to college?!" he replies "no kristina. I have not been worrying about you my whole life. I have been worrying about myself." For some reason, this fucking hurt. I don't know if it was the way he said it, but he has been awful hurtful lately.

Today my mom and her brother and sister moved my grandma, who was recently diagnosed with alzheimers, to a "old person" home. My grandma has lived in the same house for 48 years, raising her three kids in lafeyette with the husband who she loved. Right now, my mom is sleeping with her at her new home. She does not understand why she is not going home. This makes me so extremely sad. but again, it is the fucking reality of things.

Why is it that you, boy, are so mysterious. I know a lot of things about a lot of people. I have a lot of friends in different groups. I hear a lot of gossip. I know where people live. I know what sports people play. But you, I don't know about you. I think that is where my attraction comes from. I don't know what your voice sounds like or how you taste or what your hands feel like. I don't know where your house is so I can't accidentally ride my bike past it. You write me one message on myspace leaving me your number and invite me to smoke, and then you fail to reply for the next week, even though i lurkingly know you have read all of my messages. Hopefully something will happen with this, hopefully this weekend, because I have been waiting years for some contact with you.

I am becoming okay with my body. I know I am not skinny. I know I am not close to thin, but I am this flesh that is mine only. I am unique, just like everyone else. I exercise when I feel like it, and I eat a shitload when I feel like it. I sit around when I feel like it, and I ride my bike and punch my punching bag and go on runs when I feel like it. no more guilt Kristina. Live your life. People will be shallow, but you need to be on the lookout for those who arent, because those people know what life is really about.

This weekend will be a blast hopefully.
rain, rain, go away.
I wanted to go on a bikeride tomorrow after school, ride to this amazing view, lay in a field, smoke, and enjoy everything around me. this will happen if it doesnt rain.


i hate my job. i hate my job. i hate my job. i didnt know what I was getting myself into. I thought I would be making smoothies and doing some dishes and dressing up in a banana suit. Pre-close clean up starts at 6. we close at 8:30, which is also when we start normal clean up, and then we leave at 9:30. I have never cleaned so much in my life. and once again, a huge reality check that I dont want.

riley i cant wait for you to get your bike!

07:33 am: i was at the gym running and watching the view. They said that the best way to start dieting is add fruit to every meal. so i added blueberries to my icecream

07:51 am: thsi weekend has been absolutely enthralling. i have four minutes until the bell rings and i want to pour my heart out. i have finally made some new friends, actually friends, from another school. this is what i have been looking for. boys who are caring, good-looking, open-minded, like to get fucked up, and would never try to take advantage of me while under the influence. Girls who are just like me: like to have a good time, smoke too much mary j, do not give a shit sometimes. i actually cant explain it. this doesnt even do these people justice. it is like they are family, pure blood. okay the bell just rang i need to post again later and upload pictures so you can just get a glimpse of this new life. ITS A NEW AWAKENING!

april, i am so happy for you.
mare, i love you, smoke trees
riley, hi baby girlllll.

02:43 pm: smoke trees every day
( llaaalaaa )

08:04 pm: the past random months

( iehnrthtrh )

07:11 pm: everything is okay now because im highhhhhh highhhhhh with my cllege boys who are better than you blairrr!!!!!! fuck off


did i mention my legs are shaking?

05:59 pm: blair, fuck you.

10:02 pm: thank you guys :] I am doing great

07:51 am: why is it that I am afraid to walk in the halls of my own high school? I am a senior, yes, and i should feel superior to everyone, especially the immature males in my grade. But the thing is, everyone knows me. My school mates know more about me than I do. They know when my car was downtown and I was in it with some boy. They know whenever I lock lips with someone, or say something dumb. And they change things to become worse than they are. I am so afraid when i wake up in the morning. Every second in the shower I am one second closer to picking up my carpool and driving to school, parking in spot 33, waving to the same people who arrive at the same time every day. But i dont want to wave to these people. I don't want to park in this same spot. I want to drive across town and park my car at the end of a cliff and sit by myself. I dont even want to be accompanied when I do this. My state of mind changes so much and I hate not knowing how I will feel, because I usually feel like shit. But i have nothing to be pissed about, nothing to cry over. People might say I am lucky, but am i lucky. am i really fucking lucky? I am afraid of everyone, i need new people in my life. this seems to be impossible as a senior in high school. okay i will try to figure my shit out.

03:09 pm: i got a job at jamba juice!

08:58 pm: i have a huge crush on tanner brown and he doesnt know i exist.

10:26 pm: i guess on lj you can state how you feel.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
why do my parents piss me off so much. i am in the best mood, listening to music in my room. i walk downstairs, my mom opens her mouth, and i want to rip my hair out. she doesnt even say anything remotely mean. she tells me she is proud of me and thinks i am a mentor to younger girls at my school. she thinks it is sweet how i talk to younger girls about their "dad problems" because i can relate. and i just freak out at my mom. and my dad too. i get this rage in my stomach and want to scream shutup shutup shutup. i love my fucking parents they do everything for me. they just piss me off i just need to get awawyyyyyayy. i know when i leave for college i will be writing the exact opposite than i am writing now. i will miss them so much.

okay so i have been trying to get a job for weeks. i cannot get hired anywhere. i promise i will be a great asset. i cant pay for gas, my parents refuse now. i have no income, i get $100 a month which is literally like $3 a day. which is nothing. especially when i blow it all on one piece of clothing the second day of the month.

i hate leadership. the class is a fucking joke and i am tooo excited to leave it and i feel sorry for people who are not seniors and have to be in that class.

i had sex with someone who has a girlfriend, because i was not fucking thinking. she somehow found out, which i should have known she would. it wasnt my idea. i feel absolutely horrible, i dont even want to go to school. i feel like i have no heart, like everyone is staring at me like i am pitiful.

last weekend i went to training camp at woodleaf and had a great time. im going again this weekend to help with the disabled kids who are going to camp. its going to be a lot of work, because the kids with down syndrome are fucking crazy and wired but i love them to death and i feel happier around them than anyone else i know.

i havent studied for finals for one second. watch me fail a required class and not graduate. i will allow all of you to laugh at me because that would be pathetic.

11:55 am: i need to stop getting high and eating my life awayyyyy...i have been working to get my bodyin shape and healthy for the past six weeks and it has worked. last night i ate, with the help of three friends, a huge bag of swedish fish, a huge bag of cheeze puffs (from traders joes, which still doesnt make me feel better because they are no less filled with HORRIBLE FATTNING INGREDIENTS!!!), mcdonalds mcflurry, some of zacks chicken sandwhich?, a shitload of fries, soda, some chocolates when i came home, then i almost upchucked and this morning i dont remember eating one of those things, but i definately feel it on my thighs. I NEED TO GO TO THE GYM I NEED TO STOP SMOKING I NEED TO LOCK MYSELF IN A WHITE CUSHIONED ROOM.

and i still need to find a job fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

12:20 pm: i wish i had a friend who would come to the library with me at lunch.

09:10 pm: i dont care if you read this. i really dont, I am just writing because I need to.

i dont know what to do with myself, or my time. Everyone around me is a blur except for the few who i actually love and would give an arm for. The others just appear with devil horns on their heads and I despise them. I go to the gym to waste time, I look at my body and hate it, but it is getting better. I look at the annorexic girls on the Olyptical machines and want to be them, but dont we all? I broke up with my boyfriend. Something happens to my relationships at the point of a month and i stop caring and stop having feelings and get bored. This is a horrible thing and needs to change or I will end up living a single, sinful life. I love watching Christmas movies with my brother on tv. Now that we have this new cool new system and lots more channels like all the cool rich kids, we are in movie heaven. All of the school projects, I get them done. I turn them in on time, and I am getting through senior year with descent grades which I dont give a shit about. I thought I was going to be able to get out at lunch second semester; i thought life would finally be good and school would not be such a burden. Now Mr. Morse says his 3rd period class is full, so I should not get my hopes up on switching into it. This made me cry today when I heard the news because I thought for once things would change for the better. I also have been looking for a job frantically for the past 2 weeks. I have applied everywhere you can think of, and I decided I wanted to work at cost plus because baby blair and levi work there, and pay is pretty damn good. Also the manager is apparently a "toker" and him and blair smoke in the stock room. They basically got my hopes up in me getting the job, but blair just texted me and told me "the situation is not looking good because they are hiring back old employees for the holidays." i am dirt poor and would like to buy the people I love something nice for the holidays. I want to buy new clothes for myself and feel good all the time. I have no more money to buy weed, which feels like now is the time I need it most. I got offered to go to Italy for three weeks this summer and be a counselor at camp on the beach. It is the opportunity of a lifetime. I am going to miss senior trip and palm springs house and hanging out with my friends before we part for college.

I want to cry and curl up in a ball and go fake tanning and be beautiful and I want my hair to stop being constantly greasy. I want to buy heels and look sophisticated and have different jewelry to wear every day and I want to be a coffee drinker, even though it makes my stomach sick. I want to be talented and I want people to look up to me. I want to be nice to everyone and not such a bitch, but I think it is the birth control so we can change that. I want to throw my cell phone off Mount Everest and laugh when it breaks into a million pieces. I never want to hear it fucking ring again. I dont want to sleep and I dont want to wake up and drive carpool and do the same repetative sceduled school day. I want to run around aimlessly, making new friends and making a difference in the world. I want to sit in pacific bay all day and stare at the cute baristas and drink hot ruby gold tea and look out into the streets of walnut creek as people drive by in their nice cars. I want to love my life and I want to stop wanting because really, I have everything I could ever possibly ask for. I want all of the orphans around the world to have parents and have a great holiday and be able to listen to Charlie Brown Christmas cd and sleep in a warm bed and drink hot chocolate and be loved. I want my grandpa back, my best friend I miss him so much, no one can ever replace grandparents. Christmas will never be the same. I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE. and i want the whole world in my hands.

07:03 pm: life has been pretty good, since you all have been wondering [not]


( dankasaurus )

12:46 am: i am too high for my own good